Blog: Can't Give What You Don't Have

Today's topic:  Can't Give What You Don't Have 

Ever hear the above statement that you can’t give what you don’t have?

After working with a number of clients recently this message keeps coming up therefore, I thought I would create this blog.

Are you thinking the above statement isn’t true because you know that you GIVE love, respect, support, kindness, compassion, security, peace, fill in the blank with whatever you are giving that you feel you may NOT be RECEIVING in your life in reciprocity from that person(s) or jobs or careers or friendships, etc.

Relationships are relationships are relationships therefore I would encourage you to dig deeper into what is really underneath any relationship that isn’t working for you.

Relationships can be anything from personal like a friendship or a partnership or a marriage to a business relationship, that being either as an employee or as an employer, or a relationship you have with other external sources such as food, alcohol, money, sex, etc., etc.

Ever wonder why you end up in relationships, regardless if they are romantic or friendships or work related (this applies to employers as we well as employees) that do not fulfill some aspect of what it is you give and/or want?

When we look at it from the perspective of you can’t give what you don’t have what it is actually saying is that there is a possibility that is a quality and/or qualities that you have abandoned, disowned, rejected, or have pushed down within yourself and/or inherited via your DNA therefore, if you don’t possess it, you’re absolutely correct, you cannot give what you do not have.  However, it depends on how you look at the situation.

Some of you may be saying, hold on a minute I don’t agree with that because I give those qualities to people all the time.

That may be true, however, you need to explore what type of relationships are you giving those qualities to.

Question: Are you giving those qualities to all relationships or just certain ones?

Question:  Why? 

Question:  What’s underneath?

Question:  Do you give those qualities to your male friends, acquaintance, business relationships and/or romantic relationships but do not give the same qualities to your females in your life?

Question:  Why?

Question:  What’s underneath?

Question:  Do you give those qualities to your female friends, acquaintance, business relationships and/or romantic relationships but do not give the same qualities to your males in your life?

Question:  Why?

Question:  What’s underneath that?

As I discussed the topics with my clients, I found that some qualities they did not feel were: loved, respected, valued, seen, adored, cared for, taken care of and as a result they felt ignored, unappreciated, overlooked, taken for granted, used, etc.  They also felt bored in the relationship in various capacities, they felt they wanted and deserved more.  They felt their partners (male or female) were unavailable for them, had to control the entire relationship and what they as a couple did or did not do, who they as a couple would go out with and do, it was the same old same old and it was getting boring.  They did not take me into consideration or what I may want to do is the theme of what I heard.

I usually ask my clients to check in with what I call “The June Cleaver Syndrome”. 

If you are not familiar with who June Cleaver is, she was the mother in the Leave It To Beaver Show that was on when I was a child.  

I will dig deeper into what I call the June Cleaver Syndrome in my next blog however it is something you will want to consider! 

What is your old programming, yours and/or ancestral that is causing all of this to come up and manifest in YOUR life, in YOUR relationships?

Are you owning who YOU are or are YOU playing out your old June Cleaver Programming? 

Are you being or feeling triggered as a result because deep down YOU know that this no longer serves you – Explore!

If this article is touching you in some way and/or bringing up emotions or you have awareness that relationships are lacking in your life and you want to understand why, please read on.

Usually everything that we experience, that triggers us in some way, is touching a place in our past and/or our ancestral past.  If it does not trigger you or anger you or fill in the blank with the word that comes up for you then this quality does not need to be heal, evolved and/or transformed within you because everything feels good. 

Problem is, we are never alone in relationships!

There are other people involved and if the other parties are being triggered, you being one of them, then the message is yours to figure out by digging deeper into what is underneath those indescribable feelings you are now having.

This is an OPPORTUNITY ... It is time for you to heal that stuff that keeps YOU out of YOUR LIFE, the life you have been searching for (externally rather than internally)!

Let’s assume that something happened either in your childhood and/or we inherited the emotion via our DNA therefore, things are going to automatically show up because it is part of our cellular make up which subconsciously calls forward what our lives are going to look like, regardless if consciously you know and tell yourself that this isn’t what you want!

These trapped emotions and experiences cause us to develop certain defense/safety mechanisms which may also come into play when you consider what you attract in your life as well as how you and/or others act when placed in certain situations.

Our programming, ours or that which we inherited via our DNA, tells us subconsciously what life will look like for us as well as what we are going to attract, as well as what we are not going to be doing so there’s always at least two sides of how it came into existence. 

Remember the subconscious mind is trying to protect us therefore you really have to do your work and dig deep to uncover what your flavor of the story is so you can understand why you are doing what you are doing and why you are not attracting and/or allowing things into your life. 

It could possibly be a safety/defense mechanism that is trying to protect you however you know what you want consciously therefore we can’t understand why it isn’t showing up and why we can not attract/manifest it into our lives but others can therefore it may keep you stuck, depressed, anxious, fill in the blank with how you feel as a result. It all has to do with digging deep to uncover that which is in your way!

As I said, there are always two sides to consider, if not more. 

Let’s look deeper.

Consider something happened in your life, and because we were unconscious, we took that situation and/or person as that happening TO US rather than happening FOR US because we did not know any better.  We did not know that it is in fact happening FOR US as an opportunity for growth which comes from understanding and awareness. 

Once we are able to have awareness of what is underneath, we are able to heal, evolve and transform whatever it is that is causing us to feel the way we are feeling.  Even being triggered is a feeling however for some profiles they do not realize that they are being triggered and there is a feeling attached to that because that means that maybe they will have to admit they are having incorrect perceptions around the matter and they have to do their work to figure out their stuff or that they even have feelings around something.

I want to insert my disclaimer here because if you have done this work in some capacity, meaning you are not incorporating massage and other modalities into your session like I do with my clients, you will realize that there may be layers that need to be healed, evolved and transformed.

Some people get to the root and it is gone whereas others feel great then time passes and the next piece comes up that needs to be addressed so that too can be healed, evolved and transformed.

You may be asking why?

The answer can be as simple as if it is your stuff that you experienced in your life rather than via your DNA then you are addressing a current situation and it did not come about because of some ancestral baggage then you may be able to have healed, evolved and transformed the matter.  However, if there is ancestral baggage, I have found it may go back generation to generation therefore you heal, evolve and transform what is ready to go then address any additional pieces as they present themselves.

My experience has revealed that each person is at a different place so we have to meet ourselves where we are at so we feel safe in releasing that which no longer serves us then we allow ourselves to process that which we just experienced to confirm that we are still safe even after healing, evolving and transforming the previous emotions therefore it is okay to explore another level and release that which is ready to go.

I remember saying to a friend of mine, that he was the common denominator in his own life so he can blame everyone else however that is just to keep yourself safe when in reality, you are not keeping yourself safe because your defense/safety mechanism is preventing you from having the life you want to have which is a relationship and connection with someone!

Let’s look deeper as the past tells us what we should be thinking, feeling, and expecting so we need to do XXY to keep ourselves safe so the past does not relive itself!  Make sense?

Consider that maybe in the situation you didn’t feel loved by your parents or respected by your parents or you saw how mom treated dad or how dad treated mom and you thought wow that’s how a male or female is going to treat the opposite sex or the same sex depending upon what you experienced when you were growing up.  Now you are older and you are experiencing that type of relationship (marriage, friendship, partnership, business, etc.)  therefore, it could well be a representation of your past and what you think, feel, believe or say to yourself (known as your inner critic) that creates the reality you see before you. 

Remember:  Relationship is relationship is relationship and your external world reveals more about what is going on internally for you hence the need to dig deep and explore what is really underneath everything you are experiencing in your externally life.

Your external world is a mirror of yourself therefore if there is something you are unhappy with then the answer is simple, do your work and dig deep to uncover what is underneath! 

Consider all your relationships and what they look like.  The ones to focus on are the ones that trigger you as that is where the healing needs to occur and they offer the opportunity to do so if you only invest in yourself and dig deep.

You may find that all relationships trigger you and that’s wonderful because you will find below a starting point to help yourself dig deep into what lies beneath and set yourself free! 

Explore:  What qualities do each person in those relationships possess? 

Question: What qualities do you possess?

Answer:  All of them!

Question:  What qualities have you disowned, rejected, ignored, pushed down, abandoned within yourself?

Answer:  Only you can confirm when you consider this process!

Question:  Can you see that they are showing you what you deny in yourself and that is where the work needs to be done!

You may find that due to something you personally witnessed and/or experienced in your life, your subconscious and/or emotions make a cellular imprint therefore when you are in that type of relationship (it may be a certain type like a romantic one or it may be all relationships therefore you need to explore and become curious about what you do and what you attract as well as what qualities you deny) you will reject, abandon, deny, push down the fact that we are all deserving, including you, of receiving love or whatever qualities/emotion(s) you feel you are not receiving because you didn’t see that you or mom or dad or another importance person in your life received those corresponding emotion(s) from others in certain situations or all situations therefore you now block, abandon, push down, deny, etc. that you too are deserving of the qualities/emotion(s) you are looking for from others.  

You do not realize that what you are looking for externally from others is that which you need to heal in yourself because the qualities you are looking for from others, you pushed down, buried, put them behind a wall, abandoned, denied, etc., etc. 

Until you heal, evolve and transform those emotions, you will continue to search externally only to be disappointed yet again because subconsciously you do not think, feel, believe that you are worthy and deserving of receiving them.

It is possible that someone may have made you feel that you should not have those qualities or that it was not a desirable quality to have or a good girl or good boy does not act in such a manner therefore that is one aspect of why we had to leave/abandon/push down that quality within ourselves and because we all want to be loved, accepted, adored, valued, approved of, fill in the blank with what you want and are searching for, we had no choice but to comply and deny those aspects within ourselves. 

Granted no one can make us feel or do anything we do not want to feel or do however we were children or times were different for our ancestors therefore we did what we had to do to survive and be loved, accepted, approved of, etc.

Now that we are grown, regardless of our age, we feel a yearning inside of ourselves and we do not know why.  This is the why, our subconscious is calling out to be heard, seen, loved, valued, adored, etc. therefore you need to do your work to heal the past and take back all the qualities/aspects/emotions that you had to abandon, push down, denied, etc. in order to be loved, accepted, approved, etc.

In having to abandon parts of ourselves we may also have developed a defense/safety strategy to make sure  we never feel that way again.

All of these factors we had to do for love, acceptance, approval, etc. and to keep ourselves safe moving forward resulted in the incorrect perceptions and disowned parts of ourselves that keep us stuck and externally swirling trying to find that person however what we are searching for is not them, it is yourself.  We think it is them because it is all energy and it is calling to us because they have a quality you are denying within yourself, a quality that you have pushed down, or they may have the quality and a defense that keeps you stuck and unable to move forward unless you do your work and heal that which no longer serves you!    

The reason they showed up is to help you learn what you do as well as what you don’t do or allow in your energy field, your being.  Sometimes we may feel that they have come into our lives to keep us stuck and it may be because the subconscious is always trying to protect therefore if it feels concerned for its safety of what was put in place, it may call forward another situation or person that has an even stronger quality of the last person or situation you experienced as it realizes you are learning so it fears the safety is being threatened or it is screaming louder as you still have not heard that which you are meant to hear, the message that lies deep within you.

Once you heal, evolve and transform the past, you are able to call those parts of yourself back into your existence which thereby allows for the energetic shift to occur within the relationships you have. 

Now that does not mean that you will have everything the way you want it!  You may find that you healed, evolved and transformed however the others are still stuck and if they do not do their work then they may not be open to shift with you. 

If you were the one who shifted but they are wondering where that person went that they used to love, once you heal then you are able to shift into that higher vibration and you will be in alignment with that which you want and what the other person wants because energetically you can both feel the qualities are there and nothing is missing.

When someone feels something is missing, pushed down, abandoned, changed within another person which was not there previously, it is due to the fact that your situation changed and it is now triggering emotions from the past.

Let’s say you now have children.  Yes, that is going to change your life on so many levels however the biggest level will be addressing those emotions that you may not have known existed around being a mother or father rather than just a wife or husband. 

Question:  What do you think the qualities are of a mother?

Question:  What do you think are the qualities of a father?

NOTE:  Both parties need to answer each of these questions because part of the problem is no one understands what the other party thinks, believes, feels or defines a mother, a father, a wife, a husband, a boyfriend or a girlfriend to be.

If we all took the time to explore these definitions, you may find what triggers you now so you can do your work to heal, evolve and transform those incorrect perceptions so you are not addressing them when you take on that new role.

Many people do not know to do such an activity, I know no one ever told me to do this and now as a divorced female, I have come up with a number of activities like the one above that I share with everyone, including my kids and their friends!  

You are not consciously aware that this pattern of blocking, denying, abandoning, expecting certain qualities from another existed from your childhood and/or ancestral programming until your life experience changes. 

As your life experience changes so does the thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, expectations that you project onto someone else and project on yourself.

Another client asked me once why her husband and all men treated, he the way they treat her.

I asked two questions:

Question 1:   Did your father treat you this way?

Answer:   No

Question 2:  Did your father treat your mother this way?

Answer: Yes

My Response:  Can you see that as a child you saw, heard and experienced how an adult female was treated by men therefore when you became an adult female you subconsciously expected that men were going to treat you this way and they do.

It all comes down to what I stated above.  If we disowned, abandoned, deny qualities/aspects/emotions within ourselves, you are going to attract situations and relationships that mirror just that, that you are not worthy and deserving of those qualities of love, respect, to be valued or adored or taken care of, or fill in the blank with what you feel is missing in any relationship, even work relationships. 

Relationship is Relationship is Relationship! 

Hence the statement:  YOU CAN’T GIVE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE - the most important piece that is missing from this statement is - TO YOURSELF!

If you do not have the qualities to give to yourself then you do not have those qualities to receive either hence you can't give (to yourself) what you don't have (qualities you disowned, abandoned, pushed down, etc.)

Yes, you may give them to others however there is a deeper reason as explained above.

If you say, that is not true I give it to myself.  I would ask a few questions.

Question 1:  Why did you read this far into this article if something wasn’t calling to you or you did not feel at some level that this is true for you?

Question 2:  Explore that statement further because if you give it to yourself and you give it to others then there is something other than what we are talking about here.

Normally someone is triggered by another person because they feel they are giving something but not receiving the same quality from another hence the reason for this article and the deeper dive.

If you truly believe that you give it to yourself but you have read this far into the article, what is really coming up?  Could there be some ancestral baggage that you need to address and not necessarily your own?  Do you fall into the second part of this in which you think all is well however you may not be consciously aware that the other person(s) involved do not feel the same way.  If so, read on.

Experience has shown me, including my own personal experiences, that if we do not give ourselves those qualities then no one is ever going to give them to you until you heal, evolve and transform what is underneath.

If you think you give yourself those qualities explore all aspects of your life and define what those qualities really mean for you.

If you say you want to be adored but you and your partner(s) are participating in certain types of enjoyment, is that what being adored looks like to you or are you attracting someone that you can control and manipulate to be filled in the moment then feel this quality missing going forward. No judgement, just exploration. 

You may say the other person is okay with what is going on and that's okay however, if you are not feeling a certain quality like being adored then you have to explore if you give yourself that quality and what that really means to you.  If you see that quality in other relationships start to do your work and explore what that quality actually feels like to you.

Question:  What do you really want?

Question:  What does that quality look like to you?

Question:   What does that quality look like to the other party you would like in your life?

You may find that what you want you are not attracting because you do not feel worthy and deserving of being adored hence you do not adore yourself therefore others are not going to give you that quality either.

Digging Deeper: 

Question:  What does the individual look like?

Question:  What old programming do you have around what a female or male looks like? 

Question:  What activities do they participate in?

Question:  Does all of that mirror up with your definition of adoration?

Remember:  You need to know what you and the other person believe that quality/aspect to be because you may be on two different pages therefore it is not going to mirror back to you as what you are looking for.   

Nothing is missing within us as we are whole and complete, what we are feeling are those qualities and/or aspects of yourself that we have pushed down, rejected, denied, abandoned, fill in the blank with what you do as you had to in order to stay safe.

If you are still saying no I don’t do any of that then I would encourage you to explore what your ancestral DNA has holding you back because if it is in your body, your emotions, your cellular makeup then there are only two options

1)  Its YOURS or

2)  It’s inherited via your DNA and it belongs to your ancestors but stuck in your cellular makeup and is coming up because it no longer serves you and needs to be released so you can have the life you are desiring.

Now we need to explore the other side which is the other person. 

I want to start by saying sometimes we can’t see our own stuff (many times as it is too scary and that is how our safety/defense strategies keep us safe, or think they do) therefore by looking at the other person or persons in our relationships and exploring their qualities you can uncover what you do and what you do to yourself as well as what qualities and aspects you are denying in yourself.

Again, this is very complex subject matter and everyone’s answer may look different because you present one way and someone else presents another way however the bottom line will be a different flavor of the same thing.

Also, you will be addressing this subject matter only when something does not feel right within yourself.  If you are okay with the relationships and people that are in your life then you will not be triggered therefore you may not think you have anything to explore UNLESS the other person/people in your relationships express that they do not feel the same contentment that you do.

Let’s Explore.

You said you are giving the other person love for example but you don’t feel that they are giving it to you.  You tell the other person this and there are numerous fights about the topic as they feel they are giving you love.  They may even say, you don’t see that I give you love however this is how I show it and you do not receive it from me however I see that you feel and receive love from others, why is that?

Obviously, there is a message in there and if you aren’t feeling the love or whatever quality it is that you feel you give but aren’t receiving from the other person(s) and you have done the above work and realize that you give it to others and yourself but do not receive it in this relationship then the next step is to understand, explore and consider, did you attract someone to keep you stuck?   Did you attract that person(s) or relationship to teach you what you do?

As stated above, usually there is an energetic shift once you have healed, evolved and transformed those aspects of yourself and have reclaimed those qualities.

If you do your work the situation and people shift too. 

It’s all energy therefore somehow the situation, relationship, your life shifts too however it may not be the way you want everything to shift but it shifts.

What I mean by this goes back to the other person(s) in your relationships.

If they do not feel that anything is wrong, they feel that everything is the way they want it to be in their life, all is well then they may not have shifted in any manner and that’s okay as it is their life, their journey and their lessons to learn.

Sometimes when a shift occurs it puts everyone back in alignment, back on the same vibrational level, same vibrational pull and other times the shifts results in decisions you have to make for your own life.

Remember everything happens for a reason.  People and situations occur for us not to us therefore if someone’s sacred contract was to assist you in your evolutionary healing process and that is all it was meant to be then it is possible the relationship/contract is now completed and that relationship needs to end.

Yes, it may be sad, and for some not so easy to release attachment to another person, however you need to make a decision. 

You had been feeling that something was missing and you did your work to call forward all aspects/qualities of your life so what do you do with the situation or relationship that you are in that has not shifted in the direction you were hoping for?

There are only a few options:

Option #1) Stay in the relationship and tolerate everything and the other person as you have always done hoping that someday something will shift and change into what you want it to be.

Option #2) End the relationship and move on knowing that you have healed, evolved and transformed your past or at least a piece of it so you can attract relationships that are in alignment with your true essence.

Option #3) The other person and/or situation will energetically realign and end regardless.

You can always hope for Option #3, I know that is what occurred in my life automatically.  I did not have to hope for it, it just manifested as a result of my energetic shift.  If however you are hoping for this option to magically occur and it does not, you need to make a decision as this is your life so make it what you want it to be.

Remember, even though it may be sad to have this relationship end, both parties have a choice. 

If you shifted and the person did not that could mean that the other person is okay with things as they are for him/her or maybe the other person is stuck in their own stuff and it is too scary for them to do their work therefore they are okay with constantly losing people in their life because he/she believes that it is you and not them, all is well in their life and they are happy with how things are. 

Bottom line, it is their work to do and if they are too scared to do the work then they will continue on this path because they are okay with how their relationship(s) are.  That’s okay as it is their life not yours so we have to make our own decisions and heal our own wounds.

We can all wish the best for others and pray that they find it within themselves to explore what is really going on because even though they may think everything is okay in their relationships, if the common pattern is that their relationships never last or the same issues are presenting themselves with each new relationship then clearly they are not seeing what lies beneath and it is their journey to uncover their own realities so they can have what they truly want.  Until then, they will remain unconscious.

Congratulations to you for doing your work and healing those incorrect perceptions and disowned parts of yourself! 

Welcome to YOUR LIFE!

 Join me next time when I explore...

Next Topic:  Exploring the June Cleaver Syndrome

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